Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my mom, finishing up our registry at Babies R Us and beginning/finishing a registry at Target. The only other place I need to register at is Hop Scotch, for our clothe diapers. It's a cute, little children's store with lots of locally made items.
With the identities of the boys known, ideas of what to get start to become more and more real. But the reality of the unknown is remaining the bigger thought right now. I like looking at blankets, strollers, cribs and thinking about decorating but the reality of an unknown travel date is simultaneously lingering in my mind. This unknown reality began to manifest itself as negativity and pessimism yesterday. "Oh, you need small onesies since one of the boys is really small," my mom says. Not a bad idea, but I respond with, "well, what if they don't come home for a year, then I won't need anything that small." Why?! Why would I say something like that?
It was weird. It was my initial reaction. I am not trying to justify the attitude, but I can only guess it was a combination of stress and protection of my emotions. As soon as we walked into Target to start, I was immediately tired and drained. Adopting our boys is SUPER exciting, but for some reason, registering has been a very difficult thing to do. I feel a ton of pressure to get everything I need, which is something that I really can't know.
Registering forces me to think about the boys being home, which might not happen for a long time. It's so much easier to be patient and content in waiting if I don't think about it.
It's only been three weeks since we found out about both of them and the thought of having to wait another 6 months or even longer seems like an eternity. I trust God that he has a perfect plan and that He knows what is best for our family, but I still try to save my heart from any hurt or sadness.
Most days I am totally fine. I guess today just isn't one of those days. It's a weird feeling to miss someone whom you've never met. But that's what it is, I just miss my boys. I can't wait to feel them in my arms because I'm actually holding them. And hopefully, that's sooner rather than later.
I don't mean to be depressing. Actually, when I started writing this post I was just fine, but by the end I started to feel a little sad. I won't complain. Feeling sad sometimes just reinforces how much I already love them and how much more excited I will be to actually have them home.