Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Changes, Changes

There has been so much going on lately, it's been pretty crazy.

We finally got possession of our new house.  Remodeling starts today to ensure we are able to move in before Thanksgiving.  It is going to be a very hectic month.

We have made decisions about other things too which come January, our lives are going to be a lot different.

It's excited and nerve-wracking all at the same time.

I am just waiting to see how it goes.  But for now, I spend all my time priming and painting my new home.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Shut Up!

My brain is always going, especially when trying to make an important decision.  I think about the pros and the cons and the thousands of "what ifs" that come along with every option.  When it's an important decision I usually think about it 85% during my day (I am not exaggerating about).  Thinking about this kind of choice consumes me, I have to rationalize everything.  I always say, "I am just being logical" or "I am too logical for my own good".

And when I start talking to someone about this, my mouth goes as fast and my mind.  I am covering every option and every consequence and every possible scenario that could happen.  And this morning, I had someone wonderfully tell me to Shut Up!  and stop talking. 

This wonderful someone told me that I was being irrational.  From an outsiders perspective, I had my choice right in front of me.  Here are the definites, here are things that may or may not happen and everything else is speculative.  Here it is, here is your decision.  If you look at it with these standards, the choice is simple.

We were at Wealthy St Bakery and I could have burst in to tears then and there.  "You choose to complicate your life and choices" she said, "you create your own stress and chaos".  It was hard, but I had to hear it.  You think you have it all together and come to find out, you're your own worst enemy.

It's very scary, but I am going to do my best and take this leap of faith.  I have a wonderful husband who couldn't be more supportive and I am excited & nervous about what's next.

Stay tuned for more.....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


How do you choose between two things you really want?  There is the possibility of having both, but it would significantly complicate your life and most likely, not for the better.

Do you listen to your head or your heart?  But this decision is influenced by both my head and my heart.  It's not a head decision versus a heart decision.  My head and my heart are contributing to both sides of this coin.

And the worst part, this decision can't go on for eternity.  This decision must be made by a certain date.

I wish I had a burning bush, or a cricket or a fairy godmother to tell me what to do.  Being a grown is so difficult sometimes....

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Do It Yourself Change

When you are looking forward and trying to work towards change, sometimes its hard to know whether things are happening for a reason or if you're just helping them along yourself.

Lately I have been pretty dissatisfied with work.  It's been slow so there's not as much to do and things have just gotten on my nerves a little easier than usual.  But this is where the uncertainty comes in.  Am I just wanting change so badly that I am letting these things frustrate me or is my grace truly waning?  There are other, more serious factors that are included in this mental discussion, but I won't go in to detail about them.

I don't want to make a change without truly knowing, because it may cause me to miss an opportunity that is coming in the future, but in that same breathe what if I just need to take a step?  So the question of how long to wait still remains. 

There are always two sides to every coin and I just seem to talk myself in circles trying to figure out which is the best side for me. 

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Something I Needed To Hear

Thank goodness for podcasts, because without them, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to hear a great sermon from last week Sunday. 

I am the type of person who has that inherent feeling that once I make the right decision, God will bless me but only if I make the right choice.  As I try to figure out what I want to do with my life, I am constantly fearful of making the wrong "decision" which usually leads me to stay where I am and make no decision.  This is a huge habit in my life and I have to make a very conscious effort to keep from choosing to play it safe and just give up on the change I am trying to make.

In listening to this podcast, I couldn't help but burst in to tears as I sat at my desk. The most powerful statement for me was "Jesus blesses us when we don't have it all together."  Its not about whether or not you make the "right" decision, its the fact that you are hungering and thirsting after Him.  He doesn't wait for us to get it together; He will join us and bless us in our tension.

It is still going to be a hard road to walk, but hearing that is so very encouraging for me.

If you want to listen, you can download the 10/04/09 podcast at under Teaching + Worship.  Its a great message no matter if and where you attend.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Beginnings in the Middle

I have ideas and desires to do things in life, but have never acted on any for fear of failure. I am a safe person, who always chooses the safe option even if deep down I know there is something better.

But recently I have decided that this can go on no longer, it must end. With this decision, I am going to take the first, small steps towards being someone who lives life to the fullest without regret.

It may seem silly, but it starts here....with this blog. Its something I always thought about and wanted to do, but as usual, talked myself out of with no legitimate reason. This will be a way of documenting my odyssey of finding out who I really am, what I really love and what I really want to do.

I have a good life. Nothing has happened to cause this change except the realization of how unhappy I am in certain ways and the steps that I am going to take to change myself.

Because no one can do it for me, no matter how badly I wish someone could.