I was just talking with a friend this week about the numerous emotions that I experience because of our adoption. Fear, excitement, anxiety, joy, patience, impatience, contentment, discontentment and some that I would not put into words. And sometimes these emotions exist in me simultaneously. It's something that I have never experienced before and wonder what in the future could ever make me feel this way again (other than waiting for children).
This adoption is the most incredible thing I have ever done. I am SO excited to actually hold my boys, to see them in person, talk to them, touch them, hug them, hold them. It is often times a pretty overwhelming emotion. If I let myself dwell on these things, many times fear and anxiety also start to creep in. I do not fear that I will be a bad mother. I know I love my boys more than anything. I guess the fear and anxiety come with thinking about the HUGE change my life is going to experience, the realization that I am going to probably have two infants. The reality that our house is pretty small and that I live on the second floor. Now none of these fears deter me from wanting to bring my boys home. That's the crazy part. I still want them home so badly, it's just seeing the reality of what our life is going to be like. I wouldn't change it, but the unknown of what it will be like exactly is pretty scary. And I am very much a realist so I think of these things a lot.
Most times, the reality of what it will be like comes while I'm doing something. Like the other day, I ran errands to Comcast, Target, a thrift store, the mall and to a friend's house to pick up dishes. As I am driving home a light bulb goes on and I think about what it would have been like had I brought the boys. My Comcast stop took only ten minutes, but when the boys are here, I will have to get them both out of the car, into a stroller and then back to the car and into car seats after those ten minutes. WOW, what a change to my 'normal', easy life.
These are just some of things zillion of things running through my mind as I try to prepare myself for what's to come. I know that I will never be truly prepared, but I am ready for whatever needs to be done.
On another note, almost two weeks ago, our agent headed out to the Congo to visit contacts there and to check on all of the waiting children, including our boys. I am SUPER excited to get updates from her. Hopefully she took more than one or two photos. All the photos we've received thus far are close-ups. I have no idea how big they actually are because there is never anything to compare their size to. She didn't say when she would be arriving home, so we are just waiting on pins and needles until we hear something. Needless to say, I check my email often.
Hopefully I'll be back soon with some more information about the boys.